Melonistic Theory: Not As Stupid As It Sounds

I remember seeing this album when it first came out, back when I was in high school and checking out pretty much everything. I was curious, but never actually bought this one because... it looked so damn stupid. I'm talking about Watch Ya Seeds Pop Out by Bustin' Melonz on Nuff Nuff Music/ Continuum from 1994. The use of the corniest slang ("busting melons" meaning blowing minds), with the cheesy watermelon colors, the giant pink sticker across the cover... I was certain this was some goofy fake hip-hop junk directed at kids. If somebody had told me this was some raw Flatbush shit with an uncredited appearance by Special Ed (the Buskwackass turn up, too), I would've bought it in a heartbeat. But it took the internet to clue me in to that years later.

Had I noted the record label at the time, things would've made a little more sense. Nuff Nuff is the same label that put out Raw Breed just before this. Remember, when their album was called Lune Tunez, and they had all those wacky cartoon images and samples on the album? Clearly, the same guy who marketed that was behind this. And also like Raw Breed, it's got that mix of crazy and the authentic. Just about about all the pros and cons from that album apply here.

Lyrically, they're okay, but nothing compelling. Their deliveries are nice, though, flipping a variety of lively yet grounded styles, at times very Leaders Of the New School-inspired. Freestyle rhymes that are meant to sound good, but not make you think (though "Unchain My Mind" tackles some serious subject matter). The hooks are kinda boring, but the production (mostly credited to random first names, like Karl & Will or Darren & Becky) is both gritty and funky, a few tracks in particular will especially have your head nodding. If you're big on 90's nostalgia, this is the perfect album for you.

There's only two guys on the cover, but the crew seems to consist of five members: MCs Squeechie Automatic, Freddy Dee and Tiquan,with DJs Kaze and AD. The guests are uncredited, I guess, because they needed all the room for their crazy liner notes. Besides a bunch of crew photos and thanks, there's a fold-out section that explains their "melonistic theory," which essentially boils down to the importance of "holdin' your melon." There's also a glossary (or "melonary") of slang terms, which I don't think they even really use on the album.

Still, fortunately, most of the silliness is confined to the liner notes and artwork. The songs can maybe be a bit silly in moments, but essentially, it's just some fresh, occasionally even jazzy, hip-hop. Overall, I like this better than Raw Breed's first album. The album has a couple of annoying skits, but others are actually some nice freestyles with fully produced instrumentals. They're essentially full songs except that they're short and fade out before they're finished. That manages to be a little irritating, but only because they were dope enough in the first place that I didn't want them to end so early.

There was one single off this album ("Flippin' Off the Tip"), but I never saw a video for it. I think there were the standard half-page Source ads, but that's about it. Like I said, I basically just saw it in the stores with no idea what kind of hip-hop it really was. And that's too bad, because I think some exposure would've helped these guys. I mean, I doubt Bustin' Melonz would've gotten a second album no matter what; but listening to it now, I'm surprised one or two of the members didn't at least go on to other groups or projects. They were clearly adept creators of hip-hop music.

The Forgotten Special Ed Record

Special Ed made big waves during his time on Profile Records. He seemed to change his image with each album, so each time felt like a comeback - but he kept pulling it off. He came back to scoop up more underground cred with his impressive indie 12", "Think T.W.I.C.E.," which got shine on DJ Premier's NY Reality Check. And his last album, Still Got It Made? Most fans are trying to forget it, but they certainly all caught notice of the publicity surrounding that return. ...There's just one little record that Ed dropped in between "Think T.W.I.C.E." and Still Got It Made that somehow managed to avoid receiving any attention at all.

"What Up Love?' dropped on Dolla Cab Ent - the same label as "Think T.W.I.C.E." - in 1999. This is a nice, little two-track 12" that really only exists for the B-side. But let's me thorough and cover the A-side first.

"What Up Love?" is produced by Special Ed himself. The track's kinda dark and definitely subtle. It would make a really dope instrumental for a really lively, out-there collection of MCs, like The Pharcyde, LOTUG or something. But instead, Ed goes it solo with his deep voice, rapping as if he's chatting up a girl after a show. Like I said, the subtle track would be a great counterbalance to a pack of wild, frantic MCs; but instead, with a deeper, slower flow... it just kinda makes you sleepy.

It doesn't help that it turns out Ed doesn't have much to say to this girl. He's not professing a deep love or spitting humorous, excessive game. He's not bragging about having "a frog, a dog with a solid gold bone and an accountant to account the money I spent," he's just saying, "I need a back rub, in the bath tub, what about you, love? Tell me what you want, what you really, really want." It's like he's trying to seduce this hypothetical girl by being the most boring... sorta bragging, but undercutting that with how he's busy and has little to offer, "what you want from me? Only got bubble gum, honey?" And yes, that was a Spice Girls reference earlier, and even in 1999, that song was three years old.

I can kinda see what he's shooting for: a lighthearted look at someone trying to spit over-the-top game tempered with reality. But he fails to make the game extreme or amusing enough, and the reality feels pretty fake, too. Combine that with a beat that begs you not to pay attention to anything he's saying or the song as a whole, and you get a not terrible but thoroughly unengaging misfire.

But now we come to the reason to own this 12", the B-side "We Come Back." Curiously, the production for this one is credited to "Boogie Down Production[sic] and Big Mo." Listening to it kinda clears that up, however. Big Mo, whoever that is, is the producer here. The reason Boogie Down Productions is credited is because they've got Ed essentially rapping over the instrumental to "Poetry." Big Mo's big contribution, then, is playing some soft keys on top of it. I know, playing keyboards over "Poetry" sounds like a terrible idea... but it actually works - it both sounds good and makes Special's Ed smoother flow merge more naturally with the antagonistic beat that would otherwise require a far more aggressive flow.

And he's thankfully off the "concept song" tip (gimmicky nature of the BDP angle aside), and back to straight spitting his creative, wordplay-heavy battle rhymes we love him for. He never quite reaches the heights of his greatest hits or even "Think T.W.I.C.E.," but it could sit quite comfortably on any of his albums as a good, solid Special Ed track that any fan would want to have in their collection. Both songs also come with Instrumental and Accapella versions, which is nice.

Lyrics? Somebody Want Lyrics?

Every so often I transcribe and submit lyrics to the Online Hip-Hop Lyrics Database... Here's a compilation of all the lyrics I can remember submitting (there are probably one or two others I forgot):

Artist: Man Parrish f/ Freeze Force
Album:  Boogie Down Bronx 12"
Song:   Boogie Down Bronx
Typed by: WVWalenrod@AOL.com

Cool Johnski from the Freeze Force Crew
I came here to say a def rhyme for you
About the Boogie Down Bronx, it's a one of a kind
It's the place to be; it's a state of mind
But the guys out here, they really are crookin'
They snatch gold chains when the cops ain't lookin'
But what can I say? It's the place to be
It's where I stay in reality
So listen close and you all will here
About the devestatin' body rocker of the year

Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie
Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie
Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Boogie
Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Boogie, Boogie Boogie

One young man born to be an MC
The only one that rocks ya with a guarantee
Because I dress to impress, guaranteed to be a hit
I walk down the street, the girls are jumpin' on it
I got the ladies on my left, the beats on my right
The ladies follow me all through the night
'Cause I'm the one with the action, the king of satisfaction
You listen to my rhythm, there is a chain reaction
It goes on your back, it goes down your spine
And when it hits your head, it's gonna blow your mind
And if you're from the Bronx and you hear the sound
Come on, everybody, boogie down, boogie down

Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie
Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie
Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Boogie
Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Boogie, Boogie Boogie

My man Man Parrish and Cool Raul
Cooler than the water in a swimming pool
Like a R to the A, the U and the L
Pushing more power than a Duracell
And like the L to the A, the F and the Y
The hip-hop master that you can't deny
So check out the beat and listen to the sound
And if you're from the Bronx just boogie down

Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie
Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie
Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Boogie
Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Boogie, Boogie Boogie

People all around walk around in the streets
They got the funky box with the Johnski beats
You here the sound, become a believer
Then go to the Bronx, hang out at The Fever
You take the D to 205th
Then go see me 'cause I got the gift
And I'm the cool MC with the vicious sounds
I'm not from the Bronx, but I still Boogie Down
F to the R, double E, Z, E
F to the O, the R, C, E
Yes, the Freeze Force and we never lost
At any cost 'cause I'm the boss
I'm the cash back, money keeper
Never broke, never cheaper
If you ask me for a dime
Give it to you any time
Keep cash money, but I'm no jerk
I can use it, don't abuse it, I can put it to work
Just to buy my clothes, all designer names
And if you wanna bite, you'll never look the same
Bill Blass, Calvin Klein, are some of mine
You'll never catch me on the welfare line

Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie
Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie
Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Boogie
Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Boogie, Boogie Boogie

You've got the perfect beat, I hear you say
But you better listen close 'cause I'm here to state
That I rock so good, I rock so strong
I rock so well 'cause I last so long
I rock the mic with the greatest of ease
To all the all fine and the sweet and the young ladies
And when I say my rhymes, I know ya want to bite
That's not right or polite, so we have to fight
But I don't want to fight; I'd rather rhyme instead
'Cause my rhyme style's fresher than Wonder Bread
And all my brothers in the Bronx we got to rhyme
Catch all the ladies and blow their minds
And all the brothers and the sisters in the US of A
This hip-hop music is here to stay

Johnski boogies down to the Boogie Down Bronx
Freeze Force boogies down to the Boogie Down Bronx
Raul boogies down to the Boogie Down Bronx
Zulu Nation boogies down to the Boogie Down Bronx
Mayor Koch boogies down to the Boogie Down Bronx
? boogies down to the Boogie Down Bronx
Captain Mike boogies down to the Boogie Down Bronx
Two Sisters boogies down to the Boogie Down Bronx
? boogies down to the Boogie Down Bronx
Haunted House boogies down to the Boogie Down Bronx
? boogies down to the Boogie Down Bronx
? boogies down to the Boogie Down Bronx
Brooklyn boogies down to the Boogie Down Bronx
Queens boogies down to the Boogie Down Bronx
Staten Island boogies down to the Boogie Down Bronx
Manhattan boogies down to the Boogie Down Bronx

Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie
Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie
Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Boogie
Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Boogie, Boogie Boogie

Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie
Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie
Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Boogie
Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Boogie, Boogie Boogie

Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie
Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie
Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Boogie
Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Boogie, Boogie Boogie

Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie
Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie
Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Boogie
Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Boogie, Boogie Boogie

Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie
Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie
Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Boogie
Boogie Down Bronx, Boogie Boogie, Boogie Boogie

Artist: Surf MC's
Album:  Surf or Die
Song:   Surf or Die
Typed by: WVWalenrod@AOL.com

Oh, Surf!
Or die!
Surf!
Or die!
Surf!
Or die!
You've got to surf!
Or diiieee!
We were born in the year of our lord
With nothing on our backs but our funky surf boards
Miles at sea - that's where you'll find us
Hundred foot waves, not far behind us
Sharks on my right, sharks on my left
One false move, we knew it was death
That's when we heard a terrifying cry
"Hug wood, homeboy - you better surf or die!"
Surf!
Or die!
Surf!
Or die!
Radical!
You've got to surf!
Or die!
Homeboy!
Surf or die!
Surf or die!
We surfed as Magellan; we surfed as Columbus
We surf around the world, and we don't need a compass
We have no beginning
We have no end
If you're reincarnated, you'll surf with us again!
Surf!
Forget the other shit
The other shit's bunk!
We want the beach town surf
We walk on the beach, in the sand
with our boards in our hand
And If you don't know by now
Then you'll never understand!
Surf!
Surf!
R-r-radical!
Surf!
Radical!
Surf or die!
Or die!
Or die!
Now on the beach, Californ-I-A
Where another surfers born every single day
Zuma Jay board, the one I use to surf
We put on our wheels when we're rollin' on the dirt
We roll through the streets, we roll through the valleys
We roll through the hills, and we roll through the alleys
Once on water, now on land
If it can be ridden than the funky surfers can!
Surf!
Surf!
Or die!
Radical!
Surf!
Homeboy!
Or die!
You've got to surf!
Or die!
Or die!
Surf!
Or die!
Radical!
Surf!
Or die!
Radical!
Surf!
Or die!
Radical!
You've got to surf!
Or die!
Or die!
Surf!
Or die!
Surf or die!
Radical!
 
 
 
Artist: Special Ed
Album:  Top Shelf 8/8/88 (Compilation)
Song:   This Mic
Typed by: WVWalenrod@AOL.com

I'm about to open up this mic and fix it
Simplistic
Linguistic
Technician
Fusion
With fision in a vision
Like I'm in a television
Via satellite
You wanna battle, right?
Yeah, press the channel
Refer to your manual
You rhyme semi-annual
I make fresh rhymes... daily
Never did my school work
So they tried to fail me
Never told me nothing about Hailey
Selassie
Call me Special Ed
'Cause they don't see what I see
Ultra-
Violet
Flight pilot
Keep your wallet
Give me your dedication
Druggy with your medication
Have ya waitin'
Out in the rain
For a train and a bus
I was made from dust
Lazarus
Style: hazardous
Church Ave., straight from Erasmus

I'm deep like the sea floor
I'll make you see four
When there's one
You be stunned
Didn't see me come, but yeah, I'm right here
Up in your ear like q-tips or wax
Either which one, relax
And keep still
Peep skill
As I get deep like a drill
In a molar
I roll like a stroller
Sold a
Whole lotta records in my life
I hop flights to rock mics
While you frontin' for the cars
Or maybe for the chicks
I walk right through
And I'm steppin' on ya kicks
Right to the mic
Front and center
Don't nothin' enter
This area is restricted
Too much heat, you need liquid
Caution:
It's scorchin'
You don't wanna go there
I got it locked down... I did a show there

You don't wanna get me mad
I'll put you in a bag
And tie it
Like Wyatt
Earp
You'll get hurt
I'm much worse
I touch first
I don't scream and curse
I just breath deep
And I put you to sleep
Like hypnosis
Givin' you fatal doses
Rap ulcers
I rhyme aggressive
Get the message?
I bring forces
You can't stop
Like a pack of wild horses
Comin' back
To they extensions
I'm the kid everybody mentions
When you say: classic
When you say: lyric
Originality, performance and spirit
I don't wanna hear it
Bring it and I'll put it on you
And make you wear it
Where the stage?
Clear it
Anybody come near it
Let 'em come
And leave you shinin'
Red rum
And then some
 
 
 
Artist: Buck 65
Album:  Vertex
Song:   The Centaur
Typed by: WVWalenrod@AOL.com

Most people are curious
Some wanna get dirt on
The Centaur; I'm famous
I walk around with no shirt on
The easiest way would be for you to lie face down
I'm a man
But I'm built like a horse from the waist down
People are afraid of me but act like they love me
Feast your eyes upon my nudity
I am Beauty AND the Beast
I have plenty to say
But nobody listens because my cockis so big
And the end of it glistens; so I'm famous for it
"Freaky" is what everyone's name is for it
Sure, it's larger than yours
I'm a CENTAUR for Chrissakes!
I like to eat rice cakes and listen to classical music
I'm told passion is my specialty
But really I'm old-fashioned
I'm quite well-built
As fas as physiques go
So people seem to think that I belong in a freak show
They wanna have pictures taken
Constantly assumin' that my sex drive
is three times that of a normal human
Askin' silly questions like I'm their personal mentor
All they care about is my big dick because I'm the centaur
The porno industry
Wants to pay me lots of money to appear in books and movie
'Cause they think I look funny
But I'm lookin' for true love
Not groupies and freaks
More than a huge cock - I have a complicated mind
I'm not the favorite kind of companion
For the average person
Sometimes things start well
But eventually worsen when sex becomes a problem
Or else they're unimpressed with the attention that you get
Bein' a centaur's love interest
You don't care about my next life
Just my ex-wife and the intimate details of our sex life
Most people are curious
Some wanna get dirt on
The Centaur; I'm famous
I walk around with no shirt on
The easiest way would be for you to lie face down
I'm a man
But I'm built like a horse from the waist down
 
 
 
Artist: Kurtis Blow
Album:  Deuce
Song:   Starlife
Typed by: WVWalenrod@AOL.com_

If you party hearty
If you make the scene
If you've got the jones
For a limousine
Forget your worries
And the wya things are
Spend a day in the life
Of a superstar!

Star life
Staarraarraarr life
Star life
Staarraarraarr life

On Monday morning, he checks the news
He's number one in rhythm and blues
From record to record he tops the sheet
And the other stars cannot compete
He hits the notes that are so high
The men just stare and the women cry
They come to see him from near and far
The man they made a superstar

The genuine owner of twenty cars
Spends all his days among the stars
And when he's got to cool out and chill
Got a brand new house at the top of the hill
One of a kind, not even two
Push button down with an open view
And every room's got a new TV
And every dog's got a pedigree

Livin' every day in the life of a star
Star life!
Livin' every day in the life of a star
Star life!
Huh!

He's got a mansion up in Beverly Hills
With a great big swimming pool
Got a townhouse back in old New York
Where he used to go to school
And some folks say
He's got his own chalet
If he wants to go and ski
And a house in France
For a little romance
Outside of gay Pari!
Ha ha, ha ha!

Star life
Staarraarraarr life
Star life
Staarraarraarr life

Star life
Staarraarraarr life
Star life
Staarraarraarr life

Wherever he goes, he sets the mood
With the fly, fly clothes and the fancy food
All over the town with the pretty girl
He makes the scene and he rocks the world
He's makin' money, maybe even the most
With the bass that's known from coast to coast
He gets the best; he gets it all
He's got fifty gold records up on the wall!

Tags: Surf MCs, Buck 65, Kurtis Blow, Man Parrish, Freeze Force Crew, Special Ed

C'mon, Get In the Car, Guys. We're Moving To Japan

Look what just came out in Japan only! A full album of lost, never before released tracks from a ton of the best rappers recorded in 1988. What's the deal with this? I'll just let the album's notes speak for themselves:

"Introduction: 17 years ago a small recording studio, TOP SHELF, located in the basement of a brownstone in the East Village section of New York, was looted during the Thompkins Square riots of 1988, displacing the recordings of many soon-to-be Hip Hop stars. The studio had been the meeting place for many rappers, neighborhood kids, and producers that would later be responsible for the greatest period of the Hip Hop age, "The Golden Era." A search commenced soon after the recordings were lost, but nothing was ever found. So sought after were the tapes, they soon acheived Holy Grail status amongst Hip Hop circles. Despite years of searching, and dozens of hopeless crusades, the tapes remained lost. No one was quite sure who took them or where they were... until now.
After an extensive investigation and search that lasted two years, the recordings have finally been recovered by Fab 5 Freddy and myself (Benjy Grinberg). They were found dozenss of miles from the site of TOP SHELF in an abandoned strage faciilty in North Jersey [woot! Jersey represent!]. ...We sought after the lost recordings of TOP SHELF because they were rumored to be among the hottest songs from that era, and we thought it was a tragedy that the world never got to hear them. It turns out that these two-inch tapes are truly a treasure chest--a time capsule of the energy and excitement of 1988 Hip Hop."

And this really is the wet dream it sounds like - everybody comes tight on this. It starts off (well, after a brief mic check intro by Fab Five Freddy) with Black Sheep kicking a short, fast rap track, which is tight... and believe me, I've never been a huge Black Sheep fan. Special Ed's song is just the perfect raps over the perfect beat... it could easily have appeared on his first or second album. Big Daddy Kane kills it, Biz Markie's song is just great fun, and Melle Mel and Grandmaster Caz duet showing impressive skills considering even '88 would generally be considered well past their prime. MC Lyte rocks the same loop her rhyming partner Positive K did on his classic "The Nightshift," only with faster drums for more of a freestyle/battle rhyme-type flow. There's no production credits on this album besides the phrase "Anonymous Top Shelf producers,", which is a shame, because I'd love to know who did what on this. There's a crapload of nice scratching on Chubb Rock's song. The Jungle Brothers' is nice, though their rhyme style gets a little redundant. The only kinda disappointing song is Smooth B's solo venture, "I Want My Money Back" (he needs to give that hook back to Mixmaster Spade, who knew how to use it), and even this number's not bad. But Craig G (here spelt Graig G... heh) Doug E Fresh (using the same "Go Stetsa" vocal sample Groove B. Chill would go on to make a hit out of a couple years later), Grand Puba and Just-Ice all come with dope songs. It all ends with a serious track from Master Ace, "Revolution's 'Bout To Start," which is a great narrative and uses the type of scratched up speeches on the hook like I haven't heard since "Black Is Back" or "Dirty Cop Named Harry."

100% must-have. Manhattan Records, the Japanese label that put this album out, has a site at: store.mmagg.com, and yes, they have a myspace page, too. Go get it.

Update 09/15/07: So, any of you who've joined me in any of the many message board or blog discussions of the legitimacy of this album will have already determined that it is quite definitely a hoax. But, surprisingly, The New York Times has actually picked up the story and gotten some real answers - read the whole thing here (brought to my attention by Jaz, who runs the Cold Rock da Spot blog, on the DWG forums). Still, it does leave a few questions unanswered... like who actually produced each track, and when can we get a volume two?