"Big 12 Inch" is The Don's second single. Remember The Don? He's essentially a Young MC clone (his flow, his content, his voice... really, if you weren't familiar with him you'd assume you were listening to Young) who came out on RUSH/Columbia, and his first single, "In There" got a lot of MTV rotation in '91. His most notable accomplishment, though, is doing the Livin' Large theme song with Herbie Hancock. He did that, his album (Wake Up the Party) and the two singles all in the same year, and then disappeared. His album was kinda interesting, because though the opening song and singles were produced by studio man Daniel Shulman, giving him some 80's guitar and a lot of slick, pop music sound, the bulk of the album was actually produced by old school DJ Vandy C. You know, the Viper, "Let's Whop?" And he even had two Large Professor beats, so it winds up in completists' crates.But, anyway, this is that other single that came and went with basically no fanfare. You could tell the studio was no longer behind The Don at this point, but they were still willing to press up one more single... why? Because it features 70's hard rock legend Ted Nugent, that's why!
Huh? God knows what the thinking was here. If Ted Nugent was gonna do his big, "Bring the Noise" style rap/rock collabo, you wouldn't think he'd do it with a virtual unknown act like The Don? Somebody must've owed somebody some favors. And it certainly was a big non-draw fan-wise. Fans of The Nuge didn't want to see him prance around in some ultra-corny pop rap video, and us hip-hop heads were certainly nonplussed by some big-shot 70's rock star slumming around with our worst musical emissaries.
Even the basic concept seems designed to widely miss the mark of any kind of 1991 target audience. The whole song's a pretty basic pun where The Don laments about how the ladies show no interest in him... until he finally whips out his big 12 inch. Oh gosh, The Don has a foot-long porno dick? Maybe he's just in the wrong career! No... he means his 12" vinyl single. Nyuk, nyuk.
But how many middle-class non-urban kids across the nation knew what the Hell a 12" record was in 1991? Maybe, generously, 5%? So, now the two biggest selling points of this song are lost on the people they're trying to sell. Brilliant. But it's not the first big mistake of The Don's very short career... check out the twelve minute long "Super Club Mix" on the B-side of his first single!
So, yeah. That's the song idea. Daniel Shulman lays down a pop track with a nice little bassline and some grinding guitar loops courtesy of Ted Nugent. The Don tells some predictable tales about hot girls ("she had sandy brown hair, and her eyes were green; every ounce was lean and mean with nice amounts to be seen") who won't give him any play (yes, he uses that expression - it was 1991 after all!) until he gives them his record. Susan Campbell provides "sexy female vocals," during the hook, saying things like "oh, it's so big!" like a cheesy phone sex operator. And finally Ted Nugent RAPS! Yes, he's not just here to lay down the guitars but to kick a verse. Not even a quick couple of bars, but a whole damn verse you keep expecting to end, but it doesn't:
"Yo, Don... Hey. It's the Nuge, man.
When in doubt,
You got ta whip it out.
If you're in a pinch,
I've got an extra 12".
And it's a cinch.
When you were still in diapers,
I was training the 12" pipers.
You gotta go with the flow
Of the almighty Gonzo.
You looking for wang-dang, sweet poontang?
Well, what I got right here's the real thang!
The cats were scratchin' for the weekend warrior;
Rock & roll was getting gorier and gorier,
And I romanced the ladies
In the 70's and 80's;
And like a hot Damn Yankee,
The 90's get cranky!
So go ahead and run, son,
'Cause the fun is gettin' done.
Like a cocky little gun
I ain't even begun;
And I'm second to none!
And in case you didn't know,
We've already won!
Ted Nugent and The Don in '91."
And if you've got the titular 12" (or, like me, the maxi-single cassette), you get even more. First of all there's the Instrumental. Ok. But then there's Extended Mix. For the most part it's the same, but it's got a new breakdown, where they repeat some of Susan's lines, as well as some new guitar soloing. But, interestingly, this new stuff isn't by Nugent but by one Andrea Straub. She does a good job matching with Ted's stuff, though. She manages to both make it sound like it's all by Ted, but still really goes for her spotlight... as opposed to Ted's playing, which pretty much just sticks to the basic rhythm and groove. So, it's already the definitive, superior version (for what that's worth)... but at the end of the song, we realize we're in for a special treat: Ted Nugent's verse is even longer! "Like the past, I last and last. Just try to get rid of my rockin' white ass! Yeah..."
Wow... This is the kind of stuff the internet lives to dig up and make fun of, but surprisingly there's not much out there on this one. But this single DID make Ego Trip's second book (not Rap Lists, the Racism one), because apparently there were rumors that Nugent told Russell Simmons during the video shoot, "I'm a bigger nigger then you'll ever be." He admits, "THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I SAID ... I meant that I've got soul, that I don't resort to fuckin' electronic drumbeats and I listen to James Brown and Wilson Pickett and Sam and Dave - THOSE ARE NIGGERS! THOSE ARE FUCKIN' SPIRITED, GENUINE AFRO-AMERICANS ... BECAUSE THE BLACK GUYS WITH THIS RAP, ELECTRONIC MAKE BELIEVE TALENTLESS MUSIC MAKE ME WANT TO THROW UP! WHERE'S THE SOUL?" Unfortunately that's all the book devotes to the incident/record, but I guess it let's us know pretty definitively that The Nuge doesn't exactly endorse this tune... lol
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