The War On Vanilla Ice!

(1991 was both a great and a terrible year for the ice man...  April Fool's Day!  Youtube version is here.)

Mink Made Of Coyote

Okay, pretend you're a sexy young model... a slender beauty with candy-colored hair and the world at your fingertips. I know, you were pretending that already, right? Great, no judgement here. So we're on the same page: you're this model, you're popular, getting into all these industry parties, and you meet pretty much the most popular rapper in the world. Of course he likes you, it's a whirlwind romance, and he hooks you up with your own musical career as a glamorous rapper on a major record label with the biggest producers.

Life is breezy until now people start to judge you. Now that you're in the international limelight, you're being scrutinized by more than just the industry insiders you charmed in their penthouse gatherings. Are you really musically talented? Did you earn your position? Maybe after Faith Evans and Lil Kim you're the third girlfriend this guy has propped up and it's getting more and more transparent, and it's looking pretty bad for you. The pressure's on, everybody's looking, you're sweating under the spotlight. Your long-advertised album got stuck in the system... hyped up promo copies were spread all over and then it was never released.

Epic Records dropped you, but you've got to keep your name out there until your big name friends can get you safely secured at a new label to begin your second "debut album." You've got to regain that buzz, recapture the fans, prove that you're not some fake sell-out, you're more than tabloid gossip fodder, you're an artist, damn it. You're a true talent, you're smart, you're dynamic; the world needs what you've got. So what do you do?

You remake "Ice, Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice.   lulz

Yeah, apparently if you're Charli Baltimore - or one of the "brains" managing her career - you think the ideal comeback single for your troubled ingenue is the most infamous crossover pop song by the genre's least respected one-hit wonder of all time. Whaaaa?

Why? What is the thinking here? Was everybody in her camp so out of touch that they just thought: she's great, "Ice, Ice Baby" was great - perfect match! Or maybe it was somebody's idea to "own" the hate and criticism she was getting? Like, this would turn the tables on all her haters? Maybe it was meant to show that the world's most hated MC and the world's most hated track had would show us all by setting the streets on fire with this amazing new version. Maybe it was meant to be ironic. Who knows?

What I do know is that the second album wound up getting shelved, too; and Def Jam dropped her just like Epic. This single, simply titled "Ice," never even made it to the consumers, only pressed as a promotional white label advance for radio and mix-tape DJs. The world's most obviously, singularly bad idea somehow didn't seem to work out for them.

But, fuck it, it's a fun record. The record goes back to the original Queen sample and uses more of the original record. This has a dual effect. On the one hand, it lends it a slightly more raw and tough tone than the original "Ice, Ice Baby," which winds up with a more pure Hip-Hop feel (ouch!). But, on the other hand, it feels lusher, smoother. It's more "musical" simply by virtue of having more of Queen's instrumentation in it, and that winds up giving it a more feminine feel.

Because it came out years later, Charli gets the benefit of being able to come with a more relaxed, naturalistic flow. I mean, hell, I love the hyper, bombastic flows of the 80s and early 90s; but Charli comes off more mature and in control with her fully modern (for the time) style. Then you can double that because she's got Mase guesting on here. Conceptually, her rhymes are the most cliche, "everything everybody criticizes about the Puffy era of rap" stuff... loosely strung together non-sequiturs, bragging about being a "bad bitch," with impossible riches and silly claims of violence ("I even put nines in niggas' scrotums"). But hell, there's a reason so many people wrote that stuff - because it's fun and catchy, and it all works great with Charli and Mase back-and-forthing it over one of best suited for Hip-Hop basslines ever.

It's not a great song you can take seriously and honor alongside Melle Mel's "Message." It's the kind of record you put on when the argument gets too heated. She talks about her guest, "all I wanna do is get his cake and sit on his face." Face rhymes with Mase!

There's nothing on here but the one Main mix on both sides. What more would you want anyway? In 2011-2012, Charli mounted a big comeback, where she recorded a third, unreleased album. The bigcartel is still up here; but I wouldn't recommend throwing any money into it, since it still has a "September 25, 2012" pre-order date. But you really only need one Charli Baltimore chumpie in your collection, and this here is it. Everything else in her catalog is either leading up to or leading away from this record. "Ice."

The South Central Cartel Does Vanilla Ice Liberace Style!

You know how die-hard hip-hop fans had been screaming for someone to make a sequel to Vanilla Ice's hit, "Ice, Ice Baby," since it dropped in 1990? Yeah, me either. Actually, something like that would probably go over much better today, in hip-hop's current hipsterish, irony-drenched scene, where it's understood that every public move any musician makes is a marketing gimmick. Now, heads are pretty far removed from the the genuine animosity Ice's antics inspired; and nobody's surprised to find out Rick Ross is really a prison guard, etc. But back in those days, associating somebody's name with Ice's was a grave insult. In 2002, Charli Baltimore leaked an update of "Ice, Ice Baby" and it turned out to be a big fiasco. People couldn't stop talking about whether it was a bold, brazen move or insanely stupid - time proved it to be the latter: a final nail in the coffin, burying her chances to ever get an album out.* So, it was definitely a surprise to me in 2000, two years earlier, when a promo copy of Self Made Legend: It's My Time To Shine!, the solo debut of South Central Cartel's own Hava Rochie featured a sequel called "Millenium Ice."

Just to be clear... there are two rappers who's names are based on the word "havoc" in the South Central Cartel. There's Havikk the Rhime Son, who put out two solo albums in 2008. And there's Havoc da Mouthpiece, who put out three albums with fellow SCC member Prodeje throughout the 90's. And no, Havoc and Prodeje are no relation to Havoc and Prodigy, the duo that makes up Mobb Deep. And, while we're at it, Prodeje and Young Prodeje are two different people... both members of the SCC, but not the same guy. It's all a bit ridiculous.

So Hava Rochie is Havoc da Mouthpiece. And to add to the ridiculousness, the name Hava Rochie was crafted to rhyme with Liberace, because this is Havoc's new identity, created in homage to Liberace, the famously flamboyant pianist. This was his new image for 2000, where he hung up the street gangbanger image for the rich, flossin' bling style that was popping at the time. As he explained it in his press sheet, "Hava’Rochie’ is Havoc Da Mouthpiece reincarnated for the new millenium. It’s a new approach and new style for the new era. Hava’ Rochie bites from Liberace, giving you flash and entertainment on a grand scale... The gangsta grit of SCC is gone, bling blinging the way for tracks like the single release." So... I guess it all adds up that he'd wind up making a sequel to "Ice, Ice Baby" on this album, and it even makes since that he's doing what Puffy's camp (Charli and Mase) would wind up doing two years later.

His press sheet also explains that, "Self Made Legend is 18 tracks strong with Hava’Rochie doing what Havoc Da Mouthpiece never did. That is rap." That's right, you knew Havoc didn't rap, right? And no, he's not one of the DJs or producers either. Prodeje produced a lot, but Havoc... well, he got the occasional co-production credit. But basically, he never did much of anything. If SCC were Public Enemy, Havoc would be Griff, just getting on the occasional track to say a few words. Think back to their big single, "Gang Stories," when Havoc got on mid-song and said, "South Central LA is the gang capital of the world where brothers walk around strapped daily and won't hesitate to smoke yo' ass in a minute. Take it from da Mouthpiece, this is just another gang story." And then another MC gets on to spit a real verse. Yeah. That's pretty much all he does.

So this album is the group's hype man rapping for the first time and channeling Liberace to embrace the east coast crossover fad of the day. You may not believe me when I tell you this, but most of this album's not very good. The raps are lame and the production is often surprisingly amateurish. He does pack in a bunch of the usual guest appearances by his crew and friends (including The Jungle Crooks, who have an album advertised as coming soon on the back of this disc that never materialized), which gives the album some salvageable moments providing some better verses and beats. But, just listening to the opening, title track, I was stunned that his SCC crew allowed him to come this bad.

And "Millennium Ice?" Well, it's definitely all about Vanilla Ice's original. They even use the whispered "ice, ice baby" for the hook. I suspect instead of using the same sample, they've replayed it (so they wouldn't have to clear it), but it's the same or very similar drums and of course the super famous bassline riff. But the music goes back and forth, alternately bringing in a bunch of new elements, church bells and stuff, which do liven up the proceedings. Havoc is joined by an uncredited guest rapper (sounds like they're saying "JM"), who definitely comes nicer that his host; but his verse is still pretty unexceptional. Havoc does an awkward kind of shout-rap style, spitting bars like,

"I'm a Rockerfeller,
In it for the cheddar.
It makes me feel better.
That's when I jet-ah
Get me to the jewelry store,
Buy me some more
Of the stuff that I adore!
There's something about it;
I can't live without it.
Ever since I laid my eyes on it,
I've been on the hustle,
Like Russell Simmons,
To leave my mark in rap history."

It's quite upbeat and the new musical elements are interesting. I think it could make for an enjoyable listen (unlike a lot of the album) if you're specifically in the mood to listen to something stupid, and nobody's around to hear the music you're playing. But it's pretty terrible. And neither Havoc nor his guest come anywhere close to performing on the level Vanilla Ice did on the original in 1990. Now that's an April Fool's!


*I get what she was going for, but she was just the wrong MC to attempt that. If someone with more unquestionable integrity had reclaimed that beat, like I dunno... Sadat X, it would've gotten a big, positive buzz. After all, it is a tight loop. But since Charli was already seen both as 1) Biggie's ex shamelessly cashing in on his media attention and 2) a model trying to parlay her looks and image into an undeserved music career, her critics just took it as further proof of what they already felt about her: she was as corny as Vanilla Ice.

Word To Your Mother

I'm sure you're all at least passingly familiar (whether you want to be or not) with this album[left]: Vanilla Ice's To the Extreme on SBK Records from 1990. It's still one of the biggest selling rap albums of all time. The success of the lead single, "Ice, Ice Baby" led SBK to drop their entire hip-hop roster and focus exclusively on promoting the ice man for years, costing us some dope albums in lieu of lots of awful, awful Vanilla Ice follow-ups.

But how many of you are aware of the prototypical Vanilla Ice album that preceded To the Extreme and the break out success of "Ice, Ice Baby?" It was called Hooked[right] (named after the song "Hooked" which was also on To the Extreme) and came out on Ichiban Records earlier that same year. It's basically a rough, unpolished version of To the Extreme... When SBK signed him they rerecorded the music and added a bunch of extra songs.

So, yes, "Ice, Ice Baby" is on here, too. Ichiban actually originally released this as a B-side to what they thought was the hit of the album, "Play That Funky Music." It didn't take off, but as the saying goes, "B-side wins again," and "Ice, Ice Baby" started getting radio spins. And that's what led to SBK signing him.

It's actually my contention that "Ice, Ice Baby" isn't a bad song. Let's face it, the beat caught on because it was an ideal hip-hop sample (Queen and David Bowie's "Under Pressure")... which is why dope hip-hop acts like The UBC and The SCC used it since (and probably a lot more would if it wasn't tainted with Ice's legacy lol). The lyrics are freestyle, so while he's often criticized for not saying anything substantive on this track, that could be said of a lot of rap classics ("DWYCK," anyone?). And the delivery is actually pretty fun and effective... in fact, you may remember my theory that he lifted it from another, lesser known Miami MC named K-Ponce. So, it's a probably stolen rhyme scheme (at any rate, he certainly at least had co-writers, including his DJ Earthquake, who are credited)... but hey, I'd much rather hear a tested style that sounds good than something that's original but crappy. Unfortunately, he didn't keep stealing styles (or at least not any good ones), because he never made any songs one iota as compelling as "Ice, Ice Baby" since.

So, yeah. The songs are "remixed," but essentially they're the same. They use the same samples, lyrics etc. They've basically just been re-recorded with better technology, so the basslines sound smoother, the drums sound richer, etc. It was apparently a regular practice with SBK Records... you can read in my Keymaster Snow interview how they used the same process on Partners In Kryme's material. They also added several additional songs. The songs "Yo Vanilla," "Stop That Train," "Life Is a Fantasy," "Ice Is Workin' It," "Juice To Get Loose Boy" and "Havin' a Roni" are only on To the Extreme, not Hooked. That sounds like a lot, but a couple of those are just skits.

Hooked does have one exclusive itself, however (not counting the rough versions of all the songs as exclusives, which they really kinda are... and in some cases at least, like "Hooked," they are a little better): "Satisfaction." And it's actually one of the best songs on either album (for what little that's worth). It liberally uses the sample of The Rolling Stones' "I Can't Get No Satisfaction" married to a fun, very 80's drum track. That sample is why it was left off To the Extreme - couldn't clear it - but it's also what makes the song fun. A version without that sample would be pointless. They did eventually wind up releasing a live performance of the song on his live album, Extremely Live, but this is the only album with the original studio recorded version (although SBK eventually released a single with some studio remixed versions later on).

Anyway, it's Vanilla Ice, so it's hardly a must-have... But it's an interesting artifact, no?

Happy April First!