Santa Ain't Comin' for Christmas

It's that time of year again...  Yes, the citrus harvest!  This is the peak harvest time for citrus fruits like clementines and tangerines in many subtropical regions around the world, and boy am I excited!  Aren't you?  Oh, and also it's Christmas.  So let's see what Santa's hung in our stocking this year.  ((rummage, rummage))  Ah, this is a weird one.  "Santa Ain't Comin'" by James Stephens III.

This is a 1992ish CD single on Black Orchid Records, a small California label, probably best known for making the OJ Simpson-related novelty record "Don't Squeeze the Juice."  James Stephens III is actually a stand-up comic who bills himself as "the man of 1000 voices."  He's a distinctly Christian comic who incorporates a lot of musical impressions in his act, so it makes sense that he would release a musical comedy single like this.  Except... is this actually intended as comedy?

You can gather from the bright red "DRUGS KILL COMMUNITIES" logo on the front cover that this has a serious message.  The general idea that Santa isn't coming to drug-addled, poverty stricken communities feels like it might have more in common with straight-faced Christmas rap records, like MCM's "X-Maz N-the-Hood."  And there's a message from Stephens on the back cover supporting this, "Drugs have weakened the Nations' Foundation. We must do whatever we can to eradicate the problem.  Through comedy and music I have chosen to be a positive influence in the world."  Well, alright, let's dig in.

The song starts out with some "Jingle Bells" set to a Hip-Hop beat.  And James comes in hard about Santa Claus not coming to town.  "Rudolph jammin' on the mobile phone; he called Santa Claus, but he's not at home!  ...Jingle, jingle, jingle for some change in the street.  Homeless people wantin' food to eat.  Santa Claus ain't comin'!"  So yeah, I guess it's mostly serious, but then they'll arbitrarily stop to sing a bar of "Frost the Snowman" mid-song.  Frankly, it's a weird one.  He doesn't make use of his 1,000 voices until the end of the song, when he suddenly shouts out, "Stevie Wonder!" and breaks out an impression.

There are actually several versions on this single.  But apart from the Instrumental Groove, they're all just minor variations on each other.  On one version, the bass doesn't kick in right away.  On another he sings along with the "Jingle Bells" keyboard opening riff.  And the track itself, apart from the Christmas carol cheese... actually isn't so bad.  Sometimes, with weird novelty and off-brand rap records like these, you're lucky to find someone who knows how to program a drum loop.  But this one's actually reasonably well produced.

Who handled the music?  well, the liner notes alternatively credit "Cory D. Williams," "Cory Dee" and "Cory Dee Williams."  Does Corey Dee Williams sound familiar?  You're probably thinking of cult actor Billy Dee Williams.  And yes, Corey is Billy Dee's son!  He played Klaatu in Return Of the Jedi - they even made an action figure out of him[pictured, right].

How can I be confident this is the same Cory, even when he spells his name differently in different places?  Because Stephens self-produced a music video for this song [seriously, click that link], and Billy Dee is in it, reading scripture.  Cuba Gooding Jr's there, too, delivering a big speech rejecting a drug dealer before the song starts.  It's an elaborate production that doubles the length of the song itself, basically playing as a spin on Dickens' Christmas Carol.

If that's not enough, there's a B-side, also by Stephens and producer Williams.  It's even less of a novelty tune, though.  It's a pretty straight-forward R&B holiday ode to Jesus called "Away In a Manger."  The liner notes also credit Stephens with a rap, but it's really a more traditional spoken word interlude about Jesus's birth.  There's really nothing silly or comic about this one at all.